and im into the same hurting feeling again.

my husband will be meeting a girl at starbucks roxas boulevard this evening. and i will be there to see for myself.

what pushes me to conclude that theres something fishy? "dont surprise me so much with your charm tomorrow night" message from my husband's sent messages.

home coming

i slept at my mother's place. i have no plans of dropping by at novaliches though. after carrying out an official business in bulacan, i find the opportunity to visit my mother. still lots of time, i said.

i played with my three kids. i ate pansit, casava cake and buko salad. i took a nap at my mother's airconditioned room. until i find it hard for me to leave and decided to sleep for the night.

i woke up with daing na bangus and hotdog already served on the dining table. i had one of my nicest eary morning baths. i reached our ortigas office very fast. i never felt this comfortable for months.

and thoughts of returning to where i lived once is tremendously playing in my weak mind.

weak old man

my husband's 17-year old sister left home. his very brilliant father decided to let this young lady stay with us for a night. the night became days and weeks. the little brat is still sharing our soap and rice until this day.

i am frustrated because my husband's father is too weak to take care of his unica hija. he has no balls to let his daughter stay with them for a while because it will only bring discomfort to his second wife. so he decided that his daughter stay with his panganay instead. And this panganay has three kids to feed plus a very misunderstood wife.

i dont want to judge him but he only proved that he does not deserve my respect. he cant take care of his family. he knows only how to pass the obligation to others he find more capable than him. he is a weak big disappointment to his children's life.

and so sorry for myself i happen to be a benefactor of this whole mess. if only i can choose my in-law.

fly me to the moon.

my kids and i had a lot of traveling last week. we moved from novaliches to santol last december 22 and again from santol to marikina on december 26. now were home.

the place is not that horrible. but is not pleasant either. two-storey with two bedrooms. 1 toilet and bath. 1 small living area and a very small kitchen sink. lots of cockroaches. and 1 noisy dog.

with adobo and a cup of rice for the whole day, i left my kids and my dependable yaya today. i have to report for work and do miracles.

indeed, miracles do happen. to prove- i am in dire need of a gas stove. i somehow mentioned to my officemate-friend that any kind of cooking stove is essential to start a family and i need one.

i slept during the lunch break. had a bananacue at 130pm for lunch. and saw a small gas stove under my chair as i went back to my station. thanks to my generous officemate. she called home and asked her nanay to deliver pronto the gas stove.

the next mystery i have to uncover: with only P5000 in hand, i have to be really smart to determine the most urgent immediate need.

a television set for my kids who miss dora and little einstein very much? they learn a lot from bob the builder and stephanie and mickey mouse. and i want them to learn more.

a decent dining table? but i guess eating by the stairs is still very exciting for the kids. as of now.

a bed? i saw how my little baby slept uncomfortably on a puzzle mat i bought for P100 at sm. or maybe, i will buy a pillow instead. that might suffice.

i will buy a nice broom, ive decided. it might bring me to the moon.

3 days before christmas

a contractual officemate thanked me for the gift i left on her table. i gave everyone in the office a gift. not grand though. just a simple cellphone accessory i bought at blue magic. i just want to give, thats all.

i will be a hypocrite not to say that i am not waiting for returns. but i should be mature enough to accept that people have different priorities and perspective. not everyone is feeling the urge to give. especially that the economy is not that ok. or i dont no either.

again, another accounting buddy stationed approximately 30 meters away from my table said her thanks. welcome, i answered back.

whats my point? everyone is saying her thanks. i dont know if they are happy though. i am not.

my husband just left us this morning. he brought his clothes and a few belongings. he brought my addidas black bag (one of the few things i invested) with him.

while my mother and husband are exchanging unpleasant words to each other, i just stood there as if watching a movie on the big screen. i didnt beg my husband not to leave us. i didnt beg my mother either to stop her unreasonable rantings. i said nothing.

after the almost half an hour scene, i had my shower - ready to report for work. our hr assistant advised me not to go on leave (without pay) before the holidays because i will not get paid on that day + that coming holiday. money was all over my mind then.

do i really need the money? maybe, to survive. i have three kids. next year, my eldest will be attending a formal school. no savings for that yet. the milk. the food. the water.

the root of all evil they say is money. my mother and husband had their fight over money. i guess, money is indeed a hot issue.

now, do i need money? of course. but more than anything, i need peace. my husband left us without even asking me if i want to join. but i dont take it against him. he is hurt, i believe. and i could see the victorious smile on my mothers eyes seeing that i didnt left home.

i want peace. i need peace. if only i have the money to live my life away from my husbnad and my mother. if only i have no children with me to worry. all ifs.

the truth is, i am a coward. or i am feeling nothing. or i want peace.

the most immediate plan i have now is to look for a place where i can stay, with my three kids of course and ate emy.

friday the 13th

friday the 13th proved to be unusual. just to sensationalize my claim, i had an "almost" miscarriage last may 13, 2005, a friday.

today, october 13, 2006, confirmed my hunch. our second-rate manager resigned from his post, leaving me half-stunned. never underestimate your opponent. they often say. and i underestimated him too much. lesson learned.

today as well, my buddy here at the office will tender her resignation. too bad! i will be left with no body to absord my disappointments. but then again, my disppointments will lessen considering that most of my dissatisfaction are brought by my second-rate manager.

however, the freaky part here is that i will report to a mediocre.

saturday fun.

i had a nice saturday last week. so many learnings -

1. there exist a charles and keith shoe brand. some designs are real nice and price is ok.

2. very generous serving of pasta, onion rings and pizza at avanetto.

3. my favorite friend is indeed a lady, not hesitant to display her chocolate brown nail polish.

4. aside from cadbury, a certain german brand chocolate is filling enough to make your day bright!

5. do your grocery at landmark. justification: the german brand chocolate is cheaper by 5 pesos at landmark than at henry sy's shoemart.

6. always bring with you pocket money to help you survive the day. (smash, next time we meet, "lunch is on me, nakakahiya naman sa yo e").

7. genuine friends will help you forget your disappointments.

nice. very nice. real nice.

after slaving myself to finish four ad designs in a night, finally! i got a message from my boss that the launch schedule for the two projects is postponed indefinitely. NICE!

that's the benefit of having a president's son for a manager. he knows nothing but lunch meeting, coffee break and puffing a pack of cigarettes. VERY NICE!

but the really good thing about my bad experience was i got to learn more adobe photoshop tricks and more image manipulation. REAL NICE!

and the more i oblige myself to immediately look for better opportunities outside this 2.5sqm station.